“So, a little advice. Relax. You’re not filling a job position. You’re looking for a pleasant acquaintance.. who might become a good friend… who turns out to be attractive to your senses… and a rewarding lover… then a committed partner whose heart will not stray. If you don’t see those signposts and in that order, then you’re probably on the wrong road and getting more lost with every step.”
― Anthony D. Ravenscroft, Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful: An Introduction on Polyamory
Well, this is something different all together than my previous posts…
So, I decided this evening to share my journey when it comes to monogamy, polyamory, and the pitfalls and rewards associated with both. I’m not saying one is better than the other. They both have pros and cons. Well, maybe once you hear my story, you can decide for yourselves.
I have always been in monogamous relationships ever since I was a teenager. I enjoyed them just fine, but insecurity and jealousy would always take over that part of my brain that said “Hey stupid, what are you getting upset over?” and it would ultimately fail. Hey, you can’t win them all right?
When I was 19, I quite literally stumbled into the local bdsm/kink community. I’ll discuss my feelings further about the kink community in a later post I’m sure, but for now all I’m going to say is that I very much found my people. I fell in love, in lust, and I landed hard on my face many times (both figuratively and literally, rope skills are important kids!) Anyway, I met a couple there. Let’s call them Jeremy and Cindy (anonymity and all that). Jeremy and Cindy were a couple that had been in the community for several years and were in a quad. What’s a quad? A quad is a group of four people, usually two couples, that are seeing exclusively each other.
So, I met this couple. Later on, I would become very good friends with them and I became a sort of “group pet”. I was especially attracted to Jeremy and Cindy out of everyone in this group, but I didn’t ever say anything. Well, without going into too much detail, some stuff happened and I left the community very damaged and broken (I’ll get into what exactly happened later in another post but let’s just say it wasn’t pretty).
I met a young Christian man in a botany class soon after I left. Let’s call him Michael. Michael was a very sweet guy, very caring. He was very black and white when it came to his beliefs and his views on right and wrong. He had a hard time understanding mental illness, having to find his own scientific explanation. It was a little hurtful, but he sort of understood?
I ended up dating Michael for almost two years. I joined his church, and that’s a story for another day itself. After two years, he asked me to marry him and I said yes. He never strayed from me and I trusted and loved him dearly. We got married in mid December, and I had the life I wanted. Or so I thought.
After we were married, Michael changed. Now, because of our religion, we never lived together until after we got married. When we moved in together, he became almost a different person. The sweet, loving, mostly understanding person I fell in love with was gone. The person who replaced him was cruel, cold, harsh, and mentally/emotionally abusive. It hit me like a freight train. Every little thing I did, I apparently did wrong. For example, I apparently did not know how to clean the way he thought I should know for someone my age. I’ll just say this: Michael never ever laid a hand on me, but his words left deep deep wounds that will take years to heal.
After two years of monogamous marriage, I was a shell of a person. I had to give up most of the things I loved for the religion (which I now refer to as “the cult”). I had no friends. I couldn’t hang out much with my family because Michael had a grudge against them. To put it simply, my life was hell. Out of desperation, I reached out to Jeremy. I hadn’t spoken to Jeremy or his wife in about 5 years after I left the community. I was surprised when Jeremy responded to my message. We caught up, and we ended up meeting for a drink. One meeting led to two, and before I realized it, my old feelings from years ago began to resurface.
What finally caused me to leave my marriage was this simple face: my husband cared more about what people might say instead of caring about my physical health. Shocking, right? I mean, you would think a husband’s main concern would be the health of his wife. Here’s what happened:
I told Jeremy and Cindy about my feelings, and lo and behold, they were reciprocated! We were supposed to meet for a drink at a bar. While I was waiting, I got a message from Cindy asking if her new boyfriend (let’s call him Kenny) could join us. I was mildly annoyed but I said that it was fine. Well, somehow I got really sick out of nowhere. Like, I was projectile vomiting everywhere. Cindy got me to the bathroom and got me cleaned up. She called Michael, or tried to, and told him that she was a nurse and that she was taking me home because I was really sick. Michael wasn’t happy about that. With my head still in the toilet of the bar, he was blowing my phone up asking me if I was drunk, telling me to tell them to take me home so he could look after me, etc. Jeremy ended up driving me back to their house over an hour away. He got me gatorade and got me cleaned up. He dressed me and put me in his bed. I slept between Cindy and Jeremy that night, and I had never felt safer. I ended up leaving my four-year relationship a few days later, and moved in with Jeremy and Cindy to begin our proper triad. The honeymoon phase ended quickly.
I’m not going to go into the details of what happened, but Cindy is now gone and it’s just myself and Jeremy now. At this point, we had talked about taking a break from poly. Then two people came from the most unlikely place: our existing friends group. Let’s call these people Charlotte and Daniel. Now, Charlotte didn’t like her full name so I’ll be referring to her as Lottie. Lottie and Daniel were in our community, as well as two of our closest friends. Lottie and Jeremy used to date in the past, but Cindy did some things that were rather scarring and unpleasant. Now, they’re wanting to turn over a new leaf. It’ll be slow going for them to get through the ghosts of the past. As for myself and Daniel? Oh, we won’t be left out. We’ve found interest in each other as well. Things are certainly looking up for Jeremy and myself.
With that, I will leave you all with one thing: be true about who you are as a person, and never try to change yourself for anyone.
Stay wicked!